“Let go and let God”

“Let go and let God” is an Al-Anon maxim that gives language to the difficult work of detachment from another person’s addiction. For David Sheff, it is at once counsel and a test: he can hear the principle, yet remains convinced that he bears responsibility for Nic Sheff’s illness and cannot simply release his efforts to change it.

The maxim in the meeting

David and Karen Barbour reluctantly attend an Al-Anon meeting in Novato, a rural town on the northern edge of Marin County. The gathering takes place in a dingy room: a dozen people sit in a circle of plastic chairs beneath flickering, hissing neon tubes, while a wobbly fan ticks in the corner. Folgers coffee and powdered-sugar doughnuts accompany the familiar formulas. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon relies on sayings that can sound clichéd, among them “Let go and let God.”

Detachment and self-blame

The maxim is paired with the Three Cs: “You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.” David recognizes their possible help but cannot fully believe them. He contrasts his own ability to stop taking drugs with Nic’s inability to stop, and looks back in horror on having smoked with his son. He wonders whether his warnings against drugs, alongside his own example, tacitly gave Nic permission to use them. The slogan’s promise of release therefore collides with an intimate, persistent accusation: David tells himself that whatever he did, he did naively and stupidly, but he still blames himself.

From condescension to affinity

At first, David looks around the meeting with near-loathing and condescension, judging the other attendees by their appearance and wondering what he is doing among them. By the time he leaves, that distance has given way to affinity. He recognizes the people in the circle as parents, children, spouses, lovers, and siblings of people with drug addictions, and feels his heart break for them. The meeting makes the maxim more than a detached slogan: it belongs to a community of people confronting suffering they cannot resolve by taking responsibility for someone else’s choices.

The difficulty of letting go

Later, David tries to detach, but asks how any parent can let go and admits that he does not know how. The maxim does not end his need to act or his self-reproach. Nic’s silence is an ongoing source of anguish, and David remains preoccupied with whether he should have set stricter limits, been more consistent, protected his son from his adult life, avoided using drugs, or remained with Nic’s mother. In the book, “Let go and let God” marks the distance between knowing that a parent cannot control or cure an addiction and emotionally accepting that limit.