The Suicide Expedition

Ben Givens's planned escape from terminal illness becomes a journey that repeatedly redirects him toward responsibility and life.

increasingBearing stren­gth in each eventdecreasing

Terminal Verdict

A Terminal Verdict The diagnosis Ben Givens learns that metastatic colon cancer leaves him months to live. His medical knowledge gives the prognosis a terrible concreteness. The decision Rather than endure the decline he imagines, he resolves to die on his own terms. The plan turns knowledge into a private sentence. The first departure He prepares an ordinary-looking hunting trip so his family will not immediately suspect his intention.

A Quiet Exit Plan

A Quiet Exit Plan Domestic camouflage Ben leaves his home arranged to suggest an ordinary absence, setting household details and recording a television program. The care he gives the ruse reflects the surgeon's habitual attention to particulars. Family deception He tells Renee and Chris that he is going hunting and promises Chris they will climb Silver Peak when he returns. The promise is painful because he expects not to return. An unresolved bond He imagines his family's grief and hopes his disappearance will spare them the burden of watching him die. The effort to protect them requires a lie that may instead wound them.

The Crash Interruption

The Crash Interruption Loss of control A moment of anger at Rex distracts Ben in heavy rain, and the 1969 International Scout strikes a tree. The collision disrupts his carefully managed plan. Unexpected survival Kevin Lamont and Christine Reilly find him alive and help him reach Traveler's Rest. Ben feels the exhilaration of surviving, even while treating the crash as a logistical obstacle. The journey continues Rather than go home, he accepts a ride east and preserves the appearance of a hunting trip. His decision shows that the wish to die remains powerful, but not absolute.

The First Hunt

The First Hunt A changed destination Stranded after the failed attempt to rent a car in Vantage, Ben meets a drifter who helps him cross the Columbia River. The practical detour opens a new choice. Chukar country Ben decides to hunt chukar on unfamiliar ground instead of turning back or continuing his original plan. The decision gives the day a purpose beyond dying. A successful shot He brings down several birds despite his damaged vision, then recognizes how inadequate a final act built around killing feels. His certainty about suicide begins to loosen.

The Decision to Return

The Decision to Return A changed responsibility Ben saves Rex from the wolfhounds, loses Tristan, and crosses the desert carrying his injured dog. The journey becomes an obligation to another living creature. A new purpose He treats Rex, seeks veterinary care, and helps a sick migrant worker and a woman in labor. Each task draws on the medical identity he had thought finished. Homeward turn After returning the family shotgun to William Harden, Ben accepts Bea Harden's ride home. He chooses family, care, and the possibility of the promised roses over the planned death.

Nineteen months after Rachel's death

The night before the planned hunt

Saturday morning at Snoqualmie Pass

The first evening in the Columbia River breaks

After the night of the wolfhound attack