August 1970

August 1970 is the month of the Narrator’s first and only suicide attempt: at three years old, she deliberately entered the carp pond, where Kashima-san watched without intervening, before Nishio-san pulled her out. The episode joins a newly claimed memory of life after February 1970 to a lasting uncertainty about whether survival was fortunate, and whether the remembered event happened exactly as recalled.

Place in the Narrated Memory

The account sets August 1970 within a sharp boundary in the narrator’s memory. Before White Chocolate gave her an identity, she says, there was no firsthand recollection; for that earlier period she depends on what others told her. From February 1970 onward, by contrast, she claims to remember events herself. She acknowledges that this does not mean remembering every conversation or parental worry, but insists that essential impressions remain. The month of the pond episode therefore falls inside the period she presents as personally remembered, rather than reconstructed from family accounts.

The narrator knows that such an expansive claim may not be believed and says it cannot be proved or disproved. This qualification matters to the account of August: memory is asserted with conviction, yet its authority is not made absolute. The later physical scar on her left temple supplies tangible evidence of an injury, but it cannot by itself settle every uncertainty about the episode or its meaning.

The Attempt in the Carp Pond

At three, the child experiences her life as coming apart, although she cannot make out its details. She reaches the edge of the pool and sees the garden differently: a place that had served as refuge now seems to harbor death. Unable to continue thinking or resist, she collapses into the water. She later distinguishes this attempt from an earlier drowning: this time, she says, she had chosen to die and did not long for air.

As the child sinks, Kashima-san comes into view through the water. The narrator believes Kashima-san hates her and will not intervene; she describes the woman as calm and certain that she would let the child die. In retrospect, the narrator connects this stillness to the people who had watched her drown at sea: she imagines that they, too, had not wanted to disturb what they took to be the order of events. The memory turns Kashima-san’s failure to act into part of the child’s understanding of death, though the narrator later remains unsure whether Kashima-san understood the attempt or respected the child’s choice.

Rescue and Concealment

The attempt ends when someone seizes the child by the nape of the neck and shakes her back into awareness. Air returns, pain follows, and she recognizes Nishio-san. Nishio-san calls for help, carries her into the house, and finds Mother, who reacts with alarm. The child is later treated by a doctor, who stitches her temple; that injury leaves the scar she will point to as evidence when she questions whether the memory was dreamed or invented.

When asked whether she understands, the child accepts the version that the adults have settled on. The narrator explains that she knew she must not tell the truth, did not know what word to use for what she had done, and did not know the word suicide. She does, however, express a concrete objection afterward: she does not want to feed the carp again. The narrator never tells her parents that the event was not an accident, nor does she tell them about Kashima-san’s inaction, which she thinks might have caused Kashima-san trouble.

Retrospective Meaning

The narrator’s later account does not resolve the attempt into either regret or relief. She remembers feeling at home between the waters and recalls that, at the time, being alive or dead seemed much the same to her. Looking back, she says she cannot decide whether it would have been better if her life had ended in the pond; she finds life interesting but cannot know whether death might have been more so. August 1970 thus remains a question rather than a moral lesson about survival.

The narrator places the episode beside her later reflection on the mass deaths on Okinawa shortly after Japan’s surrender in 1945. She recounts that thousands leapt from cliffs because they feared what the advancing Americans would do, despite orders to stop resisting. She does not treat the child’s private attempt as equivalent to that collective event; instead, she draws out a troubling parallel in her own thinking about fear and death, concluding that fear of dying may underlie suicide. The connection enlarges the pond episode from a concealed childhood crisis into a lens through which the narrator considers individual choice, social belief, and the impossibility of knowing what another person understands.

The account closes without a final verdict on either memory or survival. The narrator sometimes suspects she may have dreamed or made up the event, then sees the scar on her left temple. That mark confirms an injury but leaves the central uncertainty intact. After August 1970, she says, nothing more happened.