Harold Lauder's Permacover notebook

Harold Lauder's Permacover notebook is the final written testament of the Free Zone's would-be destroyer, a document that traces his arc from cold-blooded plotting to a last, halting confession of his own misled folly. Written in the last days of his life as he lay dying of a broken leg and gangrene on a Colorado mountainside, the notebook records his failed attempt to kill Nadine Cross, his belated recognition that he had been used by Randall Flagg, and his final, fragile attempt to reclaim a shred of dignity by signing himself 'Hawk'—the name the Burial Committee had given him in Boulder. The notebook thus serves as both a confession and a counterpoint to his earlier, megalomaniacal ledger, revealing a mind that, at the very end, turned against its own darkness.

Circumstances of Composition

Harold wrote the notebook in the final days of his life, after his motorcycle had skidded on an oilslick on a hairpin turn on the Colorado Western Slope, about seventy miles from the Utah border. The fall shattered his leg in multiple places, and the wound quickly turned gangrenous, filling the air with a green and gassy smell. He had been sitting in the shade of a rock for five days when he began to write, his last food gone, his only water coming from two hard showers. The notebook was a Permacover volume, and the pen he used was clipped into his pocket. His handwriting, once a tiny, perfect script that filled pages without paragraph breaks, had regressed to large, tottery letters, as if he were a child learning to write again. He was acutely aware of this regression, and it reminded him of the sunny kitchen of his childhood, where he had copied Tom Swift books in a Blue Horse tablet while his mother praised his brightness.

Content: Confession and Self-Judgment

The notebook's content is a stark departure from the megalomaniacal fury of Harold's earlier ledger. He begins by recording his failed attempt to kill Nadine Cross, who had left him to die after the accident. He had fired two shots at her, missing both times, and he now admits that he had been trying to kill her out of hate. But the central confession of the notebook is his acknowledgment that he had been misled by Randall Flagg. He writes, "I was misled. That is a poor excuse for my actions, but I swear out of all I know that it is the only excuse that ever matters." He immediately undercuts this excuse, recognizing it as a hypocritical rationalization that would not stand before any judgment. He writes that he had seen himself as the king of anarchy, but the dark man had seen through him and reduced him to a shivering bag of bones dying badly by the highway. He concludes that he had fallen victim to his own protracted adolescence and had been poisoned by his own lethal visions.

Final Dignity: The Signature 'Hawk'

The most significant act in the notebook is Harold's final signature. He writes that he apologizes for the destructive things he has done but does not deny that he did them of his own free will. He then states that he wants to sign this final document not with his full name, Harold Emery Lauder, but with the name given him in Boulder: Hawk. He writes, "I could not accept it then, but I take it now freely." This is a crucial moment of anagnorisis, a recognition of his own worth and a rejection of the dark man's influence. He adds, "I am going to die in my right mind," and then affixes the signature "Hawk" at the bottom. The notebook thus becomes a document of redemption, however partial and tragic, as Harold reclaims a fragment of his humanity in his final moments.

Discovery and Aftermath

The notebook was found by Stu Redman, Glen Bateman, Larry Underwood, and Ralph Brentner as they traveled west on their own quest. They came upon Harold's corpse, the buzzards having worked him over, and found the Permacover notebook clutched in one stiffening hand. The .38 pistol was jammed in his mouth like a grotesque lollipop. Stu removed the pistol gently, and the notebook was preserved. The discovery of the notebook, with its final confession and its signature of 'Hawk,' deepened Stu's hatred of Flagg, who had so efficiently destroyed Harold and then thrown him aside. It also served as a grim reminder of the cost of the dark man's influence and the possibility of a final, desperate turn toward the light.