Derech eretz elder-address rule

The Derech eretz elder-address rule teaches children to address elders in the third person, turning an honor code into a daily restriction on how they speak to those close to them. In the narrator’s classroom, the rule is presented as a basic requirement for navigating Hasidic society; she immediately sees its cost in the distance it might place between her and her grandparents.

Instruction and Authority

Mrs. Friedman introduces the rule during a second-period lesson on honor codes. She writes the lesson’s subject on the chalkboard and tells the class that, by graduation, students will know the proper behavior expected in every kind of interaction in Hasidic society. The rule is thus framed not as a narrow classroom convention but as part of a comprehensive social education.

The lesson takes place in a classroom governed by visible deference. When Mrs. Friedman arrives, the students stand beside their desks to greet her; the narrator, who has been at the window rather than at her seat, hurries back when the teacher looks toward her. That moment leaves her feeling singled out, while the teacher’s family connection to the rabbi and commanding presence reinforce the authority behind the conduct being taught.

How the Rule Works

The rule’s central instruction is to avoid addressing an elder as “you.” A student should instead refer to the person by a title, such as the teacher or the principal. The prescribed language makes age and rank explicit in conversation, even when ordinary speech would address the person directly.

The narrator tests the instruction against familiar relationships. Zeidy is her elder, so she wonders whether she must ask whether he wants tea with lemon by referring to him in the third person. She considers the same difficulty with Bubby, whose closeness makes that form of address feel especially impersonal. These examples show the rule operating not in an abstract exchange with an authority figure but in ordinary family life.

Personal Meaning

For the narrator, the required form of speech makes hierarchy seem to take precedence over kinship. She feels that referring to loved ones in the third person could distance her from them, and resists the idea of pushing away the few people to whom she feels close. The rule’s effect in this passage is therefore not merely grammatical: it becomes a test of whether formal respect must come at the expense of personal intimacy.

The narrator’s attention soon drifts from the lesson into an imagined future of hidden passageways, libraries, and other worlds. Though she no longer expects to enter a magical dreamworld, she retains hope for a life beyond the one immediately around her. Set beside that hope, the lesson’s prescribed distance sharpens her sense that the social order being taught may not contain the future she wants.