The couple consummates their marriage for the first time after a prolonged struggle that Devorah understands through medical treatment as vaginismus. The event is a hard-won change in the marriage, but not a simple resolution: her body’s response has been shaped by years of sexual silence, and the effort to change it unfolds under religious and marital expectations that leave her carrying much of the burden.

Background and Obstacles

Before the wedding, Devorah’s discovery of her mekor marked a sharp break with the sheltered understanding of her body she had grown up with. She later reflects that the change conflicted with a life in which sexuality had been kept out of view, and that her body seemed to resist the new demands placed on it. That resistance would become one source of strain in the marriage.

The couple’s difficulty also sits within a system of rules governing intimacy. Devorah’s marriage lessons present menstruation and ritual purity as conditions affecting when spouses may be together, while the prospect of being considered impure on the wedding day is treated as a public embarrassment as well as a private obstacle. Later, Eli tells her that religious rules against men masturbating make her responsible for satisfying his needs. These expectations frame intimacy as an obligation even as Devorah struggles to feel at ease in her own body.

Treatment and Attempts to Change

After promising Eli that she would seek a way to address their problem, Devorah sees a therapist recommended by Dr. Patrick. The therapist identifies vaginismus and explains that the body can respond to the mind’s resistance; a book she gives Devorah describes how past conditioning can persist as muscular memory. Devorah learns that treatment involves gradual practice with dilators, breathing, and exercises intended to help the muscles relax.

The process is private and demanding. Rather than use the dilators in the therapist’s office, where she would feel exposed, Devorah orders a kit online and practices at home while Eli is at evening prayers. It takes three months to work up to the largest dilator, and the final stage remains painful. The physical practice has advanced, but she recognizes that her mental and emotional response has not changed along with it.

For their first anniversary, Devorah and Eli go to a hypnotist show in Las Vegas without telling their community the true destination; Eli gives his mother a different explanation. The show prompts Devorah to consider hypnosis as another possible approach. Back in New York, she pays a licensed hypnotherapist in Manhattan $250 for a session. She does not know whether she has been hypnotized, but afterward tells Eli they can try again.

The First Consummation

Before the attempt, Devorah goes to the mikvah. The attendant has seen her before and offers reassurance about the delay, a comment that makes clear how visible the couple’s difficulty has become within the ritual setting. At home, Devorah tries to make the occasion less tense for Eli, who has also grown uncertain after their repeated failures.

This time they succeed. Devorah experiences discomfort, but the attempt is brief, and Eli responds with intense relief and happiness. His reaction contrasts with her more complicated experience: the immediate barrier has been crossed, yet the event does not mean that the years of bodily concealment or her emotional resistance have disappeared.

Significance and Limits of the Resolution

The first consummation changes the status of the marriage without resolving the conflict beneath it. The couple’s progress has depended on Devorah’s promise, her research, repeated private exercises, a paid therapeutic session, and her effort to manage Eli’s anxiety. The sequence makes visible how much work she undertakes to meet an expectation that is presented as marital and religious duty.

The memoir places this success beside Devorah’s earlier sense that her body had been shaped by a life of sexual ignorance, and beside her recognition that physical technique alone could not settle the emotional problem. The event is therefore both a breakthrough and a qualified one: a new possibility for the marriage, not proof that intimacy has become comfortable or that its underlying pressures have lifted.