Creta Kano’s Suicide Attempt

Creta Kano’s failed suicide attempt is a turning point defined not by an immediate recovery but by a succession of altered states. The physical pain that had dominated her life gives way to profound numbness, separating sensation from any feeling of ownership; after several days, she understands herself to have become a third self, newly oriented toward life but uncertain of what that change means.

Before and After the Attempt

In retrospect, Creta Kano describes the period following the attempt as a state in which pain had ceased to register as her own. She could distinguish sensations such as heat, cold, or pain, but experienced them as distant, belonging to a world disconnected from her. That detachment also shaped her willingness to have sexual relations with men for money: she felt that whatever happened to her did not happen to a self she could recognize as herself.

The Interim Self

The numbness was not simply freedom from physical suffering. Creta Kano calls it a bottomless state in which sensations remained perceptible in a limited way but had lost their personal immediacy. She identifies this condition as her second self, an interim existence that followed her failed attempt to escape the pain. Along with physical pain, her will to live, physical vitality, and ability to concentrate had receded.

Emergence of a Third Self

After three or four days, the unsettled period abruptly quieted. Creta Kano says she examined herself and recognized a person entirely different from either the self that had lived in anguish or the numb self that followed. She could not yet tell whether this third self was the person she should always have been, but she sensed, vaguely, that she was moving in the right direction.

Significance

The episode distinguishes relief from recovery: the disappearance of pain first brings estrangement and diminished vitality, not uncomplicated renewal. Its three-part account—anguished first self, numb interim self, and emerging third self—makes the attempt a hinge in Creta Kano’s understanding of her identity, while preserving uncertainty about what her new direction will become.