“The only source of meaning is my own course of action”

The expression “The only source of meaning is my own course of action” is a private credo that makes deliberate choice the measure of a life. In a late-night walk, the man connects it to a deal he accepted twenty years earlier and to a planned upheaval he believes is approaching; his sudden death shortly afterward places that confidence in stark tension with his inability to understand what is happening to him.

Wording and Context

The sentence comes to him while he is looking at the stars. Their light has travelled for aeons, a fact that makes existence seem incomprehensible; against that vastness, he locates meaning not in an explanation of life but in what he himself has done. He recalls accepting a deal offered twenty years before, and says he did so without hesitation. The maxim therefore has a concrete anchor in a past decision, rather than remaining a detached philosophical observation.

The walk has its own routine. Earlier, he has meditated in St Maria’s Church and written “Short walk in the evening” in his journal. Now, moving through familiar streets, he tries to empty his mind, but thoughts of the power he wields and the new order he intends to create excite him. His reflection on personal action sits beside a much larger ambition: he imagines that his group will open “the invisible dams” and watch a tidal wave sweep over the world. He knows the moment has not arrived and treats impatience as a weakness to be controlled.

Action and Consequence

At the cash machine, his attention returns to an ordinary check. He says to himself that he will not withdraw money, only verify his balance. The slip shows 9,765 kronor, and everything appears to be in order. This small, deliberate errand follows the grand scale of his thoughts, bringing the language of decisive action down to the particulars of a wallet, a bank card, and a printed balance.

Then pain strikes without warning. He falls forward with the slip still clutched in his hand, and his final thought is that he cannot understand what is happening. The maxim’s emphasis on chosen action is thus set against an event he neither chooses nor comprehends. The scene identifies no explanation for the collapse within this moment; it closes instead on darkness, the passing trucks, and the return of calm to the streets just after midnight on October 6, 1997.

Significance

The expression holds together conviction and dramatic irony. The man sees his accepted deal and anticipated upheaval as sources of meaning, while the scene sharply limits his control: his plans remain unfulfilled in the moment, and his own life ends in bewilderment. The ordinary ATM receipt, precise to the last krona, survives as a tangible record of an evening in which he has imagined changing the world but cannot make sense of his sudden death.